Screams in the night

It keeps me awake some nights, a chorus of screams, pitching up and down. It is not heard, but rather felt as a dreadful depression of the gut, weighed down upon by the memories of abruptly terminated pasts, the cries of a dying present, and an infinity of aborted futures. All of this accumulated and gathered upon me within the night, packed into a chorus of silent screams: An endless, collective reverberation of all that happened and never happened; paths taken and not taken; and my fate having been indifferent to it all, as if nothing ever mattered, despite what I’d once wished for, had hoped for, prayed for, and strived for.

Note of hope:

I was once told that my feelings of distress is a form of depression known as Weltschmerz, or world-weariness, meaning that my vision of how things should or could be, is not compatible with reality. However, it seems to me that reality always defies us on some level, shaping and reshaping itself to avoid the complete fulfillment of our needs, wants, desires, and idealistic visions.

Consider the possibility of this defiance being a kind of soul moving resistance. One that challenges us to continue evolving and reaching for something better, higher, or more humane, rather than it being a force of malicious intent, or an obstacle course of random obstructions.

The unknowable reality

“Look at the tree in front of you. Are you actually looking at the tree or is thought looking at it? Hear the crow cawing. Are you listening to it, or are you identifying the sound with the bird? Can you look at somebody without the image that you have about that someone?”
~ J. Krishnamurti

Alan Watts and a subset of other philosophers, such as J. Krishnamurti, traded in the typical workings of the human brain for a reality without thoughts, mental images, symbols, and other brain sponsored filters and coloring. Their core ideal was to not confuse the map with the territory – a common slogan for this movement back in the not so distant past.

Being a Krishnamurti fan back in my college days, I would often sit cross-legged in front of a big old tree, attempting to perceive it without any previous mental or emotional associations with the word “tree” or its image. However, as Krishnamurti would have likely pointed out, my effort to perceive with an empty mind would be filled with expectations – thoughts and images – of what a tree without memories of trees would look and feel like, and so any effort was doomed to failure, and it was. My noble effort was just as ridiculous as trying to hear and know the sound of one hand clapping, another one of those koans or puzzles offered by the thoughtless thinkers of the past – the gifted or practiced ones who “supposedly” achieved empty mindedness.

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Filling the gaps

Filling the gaps is what imagination is for. My stories, poems, and musings are equal parts experience, second hand information, and imagination. Imagining what we don’t know or never experienced is half the fun, according to me. 🙂

Imagination is especially important for writers with limited experience in various domains. It could be argued that many of the most creative works were inspired by pure imagination, rather than experience or secondhand knowledge. Although, in most cases, it is difficult to differentiate between the three modes of creative input, as they overlap and inform one another. In fact, our actual memories are usually an amalgam of the three sources.

Temptation

Social media question (paraphrased):

Original sin does not make sense. Eating the fruit would have enlightened Adam and Eve as to what was good and bad. How could they have known it was bad to disobey God, before taking a bite of the fruit?

My metaphorical response:

Adam and Eve are like children, who don’t yet comprehend the consequences of not listening to one’s father. Alternatively, we could view them as naive, inexperienced adults, indifferent to an authority’s warning about a risk or potential danger. For example, without the physical experience of being burned, the warning against playing with matches often goes in one ear and out the other.

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Hacking away

In all honesty, I’ve been somewhat of a hack at everything I’ve pursued, maybe an unintentional impostor at times. A possible case of Impostor Syndrome?

Nevertheless, I’ve been good enough to impress a few people, supporting my illusion that I have the talent or wisdom to pull off whatever I am doing or being. Illusions can become powerful motivators, pushing us forward and sustaining our efforts over time, despite our perceived limitations.

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