Presence

“You didn’t need a savior. You needed evidence that you weren’t alone in the dark.”
~ The Self, Facebook

Few choose to stay when you are at war with yourself or the world, as many find it difficult to reconcile your reality with their idealized version of you. Often, they pretend to stay, out of a sense of guilt or pity, but they are not really there anymore, no longer providing a sense of security that you won’t fall off the cliff of life all alone, with no witness to what happened to you, no validation of your previous existence; their attention redirected elsewhere.

In a sense, it feels like they’ve given up on you, not always consciously or intentionally, but because they decided to change direction, to follow a different or more fulfilling path. It leaves you feeling abandoned, isolated, and without a home, vulnerable to the indifferent forces of a cold, brutal world and universe.

And so your mind fills this vacancy with the illusion of a permanent presence or advocate, watching over you, supporting you and loving you. And like always, you project this imagined presence onto yet another unreliable human being, or something else, such as a god of your choosing. This brings you temporary relief and a return to your bubble of security—your faith in another someone or something—until the vacancy returns once again, by death, tragedy, betrayal, or abandonment.

Angels in the park

The above image is very close in appearance to what I experienced at a beautiful cemetery park several years ago. I’d taken walks there often on the trails between and around the gravestones, enjoying the quiet and relative isolation, away from the hustle and bustle of society. During one of my walks, I heard “someone” following behind me, their footsteps upon the fallen leaves alerting me to their presence.

Wherever and whenever I moved, the footsteps followed me. I was afraid, filled with fear, thinking I was being stalked where nobody could help me, alone in the middle of a big cemetery close to dusk. However, when I finally gathered the courage to turn and look, the most beautiful two deer were standing in front of me, their innocent eyes staring into mine.

They’d been following me, two angelic stalkers waiting for me to turn and look at them. They remained in place for a few minutes, peering deep into what felt like my soul. I smiled with tears of joy, telling them how beautiful they are and thanking them for visiting me, when I most needed it. And then they looked at one another and ran off together, into the trees surrounding the park, as if being called to some other place where someone else needed them.

Those few minutes felt like a special communion I shared with two angels. A moment I will never forget.

Image: “Angels in the park”

Created by: David M. Rubin & Meta AI

Games we play

“You can’t win. You can’t break even. You can’t even quit the game.”
~ Ginsberg’s Theorems, Murphy’s Law

If every play or move were perfectly executed under perfect, textbook conditions, there would be no game, no reason to play and compete. The point of the game is for one player to outsmart or outplay the other, and this can’t happen if both players play perfectly all the time, making perfect decisions within perfect opportunities, without imperfect obstacles.

Often, I mention the absence of a level playing field, but does life provide such a thing? After putting some thought into this, I conclude that level playing fields don’t exist. We’re always attempting to outplay, defend against, or control a so-called opponent or adversary.

In works of fiction, there are traditionally 7 possible core conflicts/games, one or two of them comprising a specific work, including Character vs. Character, Character vs. Society, Character vs. Nature, Character vs. Technology, Character vs. Supernatural, Character vs. Fate, and Character vs. Self. I mention these, as they seem to cover the entire range of possible conflicts/games that influence our lives in the real world. Although, I think there should be an eighth possible conflict/game: Character vs. God.

Which one, two, or three of these exert(s) the most influence over your life?

Endless search

In this era of infinite options, many of us don’t stay committed to anything or anyone for long, lured by a never-ending search for an ideal of fulfilment or love that doesn’t exist, a mindset that the perfect option is around the corner, if one continues the search a little longer.

Yet, a little longer often lasts a lifetime, until the realization that “something” good, the perfect imperfection, was once at the doorstep knocking on one’s door, but missed or discarded while being too busy searching for that elusive ideal, dangled by a society promoting the dopamine rush of endless movement towards a fantasy that has no basis in reality, forever elusive. And so one never grows roots into a time, place or relationship; never reaching the depths of soulful connection to anything or anyone, including oneself.

Games at Dawn

She smiles at my gamesmanship, all the while plotting my defeat in the rising light of dawn. Two beautiful smiles upon me. Win or lose, I win.