Presence

“You didn’t need a savior. You needed evidence that you weren’t alone in the dark.”
~ The Self, Facebook

Few choose to stay when you are at war with yourself or the world, as many find it difficult to reconcile your reality with their idealized version of you. Often, they pretend to stay, out of a sense of guilt or pity, but they are not really there anymore, no longer providing a sense of security that you won’t fall off the cliff of life all alone, with no witness to what happened to you, no validation of your previous existence; their attention redirected elsewhere.

In a sense, it feels like they’ve given up on you, not always consciously or intentionally, but because they decided to change direction, to follow a different or more fulfilling path. It leaves you feeling abandoned, isolated, and without a home, vulnerable to the indifferent forces of a cold, brutal world and universe.

And so your mind fills this vacancy with the illusion of a permanent presence or advocate, watching over you, supporting you and loving you. And like always, you project this imagined presence onto yet another unreliable human being, or something else, such as a god of your choosing. This brings you temporary relief and a return to your bubble of security—your faith in another someone or something—until the vacancy returns once again, by death, tragedy, betrayal, or abandonment.

Endless search

In this era of infinite options, many of us don’t stay committed to anything or anyone for long, lured by a never-ending search for an ideal of fulfilment or love that doesn’t exist, a mindset that the perfect option is around the corner, if one continues the search a little longer.

Yet, a little longer often lasts a lifetime, until the realization that “something” good, the perfect imperfection, was once at the doorstep knocking on one’s door, but missed or discarded while being too busy searching for that elusive ideal, dangled by a society promoting the dopamine rush of endless movement towards a fantasy that has no basis in reality, forever elusive. And so one never grows roots into a time, place or relationship; never reaching the depths of soulful connection to anything or anyone, including oneself.

Recurring dream

Note: The following is my comment regarding a recurring dream described by a social media user. The dream had persisted for more than 25 years, following his breakup with the woman depicted in the dream. The dreamer had not been in contact with her in real life since their breakup 25 years ago; however, up until recently, his old feelings and desires for her resurfaced during each recurring instance of the dream.

This is a very long duration for the recurrence of a dream, and he was wondering if something remained unresolved regarding this past relationship, and if it could be finally resolved.

My comment: The first and most difficult step, is to determine what her dream character symbolizes for you. Keep in mind that after 25 years, the real person behind the dream character doesn’t exist anymore, not in the way you knew her 25 years ago. People and circumstances change over time. What remains is the unresolved or unconscious part of you that surfaced during the actual relationship and continues to haunt you, so to speak.

Her dream character is like a shadow or ghost that wants you to recognize “something” catalyzed by your past involvement with the “once” real woman—good or bad—or that symbolizes a wound or need that goes far deeper and older than the relationship itself, but resonates with your memory of it.

I recommend exploring this symbolic ghost through whatever means works for you—art, music, introspection, dream journaling, etc.—to understand what the dream may be depicting or asking of you.

Intimate connection

Humans are wired to seek intimacy with something or someone: physically, chemically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and/or instinctively. Call it romance, bonding, relationship, sex, spiritual communion, religion, attachment, obsession, lust, addiction, or whatever you prefer; all of us are seeking it on some level or in some form, but often frustrated, depressed or traumatized by its elusive nature.

First hookup

“What we seek constantly in romantic love is not human love or human relationship alone; we also seek a religious experience, a vision of wholeness.”
~Robert A. Johnson

2:13 AM

A puttering engine whines down beach street on a frigid night. The sound of rusted struts and worn wheel bearings bouncing along frost heaves and pot holes. Headlights fluttering. Shadows of leafless winter limbs shifting and merging against the bedroom wall. He watches and listens—passively—without comprehension. Eyes half open, half shut.

An electric blanket covers him to the nostrils. Thermostat set to 60 F. A frugal man of limited means, he found this place at the dead end of Beach street, near the river’s edge, where it takes a sharp left and meets Willow avenue—another dead end and entrance to the old Jewish cemetery. He bought the property for a song. The street itself a hazard, with its heaves and holes, notorious for frozen fogs overflowing the river bank at night.

An anonymous chat, several hours earlier. She’d answered his Reddit post; an anonymous stranger. He’d baited the invitation with homemade hot chocolate on a frigid night, marshmallows too. Sex on the mind, but unstated.

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