In all honesty, I’ve been somewhat of a hack at everything I’ve pursued, maybe an unintentional impostor at times. A possible case of Impostor Syndrome?
Nevertheless, I’ve been good enough to impress a few people, supporting my illusion that I have the talent or wisdom to pull off whatever I am doing or being. Illusions can become powerful motivators, pushing us forward and sustaining our efforts over time, despite our perceived limitations.
As a gift, I once gave a friend a decorative wooden box of colored rocks. It was supposed to be symbolic of the many colors of our friendship. When I handed her the wrapped gift, she shook it and said, “What is this, a box of rocks?” She laughed hysterically. I wanted to crawl under a bigger rock!
© 2021 David M. Rubin. All rights reserved.
Following a decade of failed relationships and hostile confrontations, you begin wondering if something is wrong with you, or whether everyone you choose to associate with has a collective mental health issue. So, you go to a shrink – referred to you on Reddit – who blankets you with his, her, or their personal countertransference issues, while trying to determine whether your portrayal of the real you, or what you thought was the real you, is authentic or a subterfuge serving to hide some rather unsavory aspects of an “unconscious” real you, otherwise known as the shadow.
We walked down the thicket path to Main street, keeping our heads low, covertly peeking through the clearings of foliage. Old vehicles – some military – were lined up on both sides of Main, one after another, their engines running. Men with assault rifles sat on the bumpers, taking turns patrolling the street, slowly turning their heads in 180 degree arcs, ready to defend the flanks. Some remained on standby inside their vehicles; others were crowded onto the attached flatbeds, sweating profusely and guzzling down beers. A rough looking crowd covered in war tats and wearing mismatched uniform attire, like they were going deer hunting after a weekend military exercise.
Break the mold, she told me. Do something adventurous and bold. And so I broke with her that day. Just like that!
Told her I was off to being exciting, provocative, and bold. And for a moment, she just stared: open-mouthed, eyes dilated, and face in a flush.
Notes from David 