First hookup

“What we seek constantly in romantic love is not human love or human relationship alone; we also seek a religious experience, a vision of wholeness.”
~Robert A. Johnson

2:13 AM

A puttering engine whines down beach street on a frigid night. The sound of rusted struts and worn wheel bearings bouncing along frost heaves and pot holes. Headlights fluttering. Shadows of leafless winter limbs shifting and merging against the bedroom wall. He watches and listens—passively—without comprehension. Eyes half open, half shut.

An electric blanket covers him to the nostrils. Thermostat set to 60 F. A frugal man of limited means, he found this place at the dead end of Beach street, near the river’s edge, where it takes a sharp left and meets Willow avenue—another dead end and entrance to the old Jewish cemetery. He bought the property for a song. The street itself a hazard, with its heaves and holes, notorious for frozen fogs overflowing the river bank at night.

An anonymous chat, several hours earlier. She’d answered his Reddit post; an anonymous stranger. He’d baited the invitation with homemade hot chocolate on a frigid night, marshmallows too. Sex on the mind, but unstated.

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Screams in the night

It keeps me awake some nights, a chorus of screams, pitching up and down. It is not heard, but rather felt as a dreadful depression of the gut, weighed down upon by the memories of abruptly terminated pasts, the cries of a dying present, and an infinity of aborted futures. All of this accumulated and gathered upon me within the night, packed into a chorus of silent screams: An endless, collective reverberation of all that happened and never happened; paths taken and not taken; and my fate having been indifferent to it all, as if nothing ever mattered, despite what I’d once wished for, had hoped for, prayed for, and strived for.

Note of hope:

I was once told that my feelings of distress is a form of depression known as Weltschmerz, or world-weariness, meaning that my vision of how things should or could be, is not compatible with reality. However, it seems to me that reality always defies us on some level, shaping and reshaping itself to avoid the complete fulfillment of our needs, wants, desires, and idealistic visions.

Consider the possibility of this defiance being a kind of soul moving resistance. One that challenges us to continue evolving and reaching for something better, higher, or more humane, rather than it being a force of malicious intent, or an obstacle course of random obstructions.

Revelation

“Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor”
~ Alexis Carrel

It is a painstaking process to remove the extraneous bits of marble that accumulate over time, but there is joy in revealing the beautiful sculpture to be found within. One’s true identity is a continuous act of revelation, not a remaking of anything. We are made in God’s image!

Default justice

“Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know he is.”
~ Jean Anouilh

The favor of the Gods is the ego’s illusion, until circumstances change, and one realizes that God, fate, karma, or random chance can take everything away in a moment’s time, including one’s fortunes and sometimes life itself. The higher the climb on the backs of others, the more disillusioning the fall when those backs shift position, as they always do.

Everything seeks its equilibrium point, moving from the low to the high, the high to the low, from side to side, and finally to the flat ground, where purposeful activity ceases and all is balanced again. This is life’s default form of justice: the birth, rise, fall, and eventual flatlining – an immutable process that nobody escapes, including the rich and powerful.

If a higher form of justice exists, and I hope it does, then maybe it rests upon this immutable default justice; our attitude towards it being the difference between being reborn as a worm or saint, or anything in-between.

Finding God

“The reason modern people can’t see God is that they won’t look low enough.”
~ Carl Jung

Our tendency is to conceptualize God as existing in some other place or dimension, not within the here and now. Our languages have exaggerated this perspective with opposing words, such as the mundane versus the sacred, earth versus heaven, science versus God, secular versus spiritual, probability versus faith, good or bad luck versus fate/karma, etc. Religion itself has given us the impression – intentionally or otherwise – of God being above or outside of us, rather than being an integral part of everything and everyone in the here and now.

Imagine a world where we recognize God within the food we eat, the dream we had last night, the stranger’s smile, the clap of thunder, the deer crossing the street, the silly stuff we share with a loved one, the blessing of waking up for another day of life, and a million other things we too often take for granted. Imagine seeing God in all of that!