Screams in the night

It keeps me awake some nights, a chorus of screams, pitching up and down. It is not heard, but rather felt as a dreadful depression of the gut, weighed down upon by the memories of abruptly terminated pasts, the cries of a dying present, and an infinity of aborted futures. All of this accumulated and gathered upon me within the night, packed into a chorus of silent screams: An endless, collective reverberation of all that happened and never happened; paths taken and not taken; and my fate having been indifferent to it all, as if nothing ever mattered, despite what I’d once wished for, had hoped for, prayed for, and strived for.

Note of hope:

I was once told that my feelings of distress is a form of depression known as Weltschmerz, or world-weariness, meaning that my vision of how things should or could be, is not compatible with reality. However, it seems to me that reality always defies us on some level, shaping and reshaping itself to avoid the complete fulfillment of our needs, wants, desires, and idealistic visions.

Consider the possibility of this defiance being a kind of soul moving resistance. One that challenges us to continue evolving and reaching for something better, higher, or more humane, rather than it being a force of malicious intent, or an obstacle course of random obstructions.

Love: Jungian style

“People were hermaphrodites until God split them in two, and now all the halves wander the world over seeking one another. Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.”
~ Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

I’m reminded of the Jungian concept of men having a feminine aspect, referred to as the anima; and women having a masculine aspect, referred to as the animus. The theory being that “all” human beings are composed of both masculine and feminine essences, with one essence being the consciously dominant one in an individual, and the other being relatively unconscious, “appearing” as the qualities one desires or despises in others. In Jungian psychology, this is the basic mechanism of attraction: the recognition of the other half of ourselves in others, facilitated through projection and imagination. The illusion being that what you search for or recognize is outside of yourself, when it is really the opposite, less conscious side of your inner nature – the masculine or feminine – seeking consciousness through your interaction with others.

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Sudden change

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”
~ Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

People and situations may seem to change in a moment’s time. However, more often than not, subtle changes were already occurring over a much longer period of time, slowly gaining momentum towards a final dramatic shift. These subtle changes often go unnoticed by us, until finally crossing a threshold and turning our world upside down within a moment’s time.

The great puzzle

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.”
~ Douglas Adams

The belief that we can ever know the purpose of the universe – the totality of it all – is human arrogance. Nothing ever disappears or is replaced, other than our dead-end ideas. The purpose of the universe, of a single life itself, is like an endless spiral of mysteries; an infinity of oddly shaped pieces awaiting our exploration and placement, some of which elude any reasonable fit to anything else. The puzzle of existence remains unfinished.

Revelation

“Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor”
~ Alexis Carrel

It is a painstaking process to remove the extraneous bits of marble that accumulate over time, but there is joy in revealing the beautiful sculpture to be found within. One’s true identity is a continuous act of revelation, not a remaking of anything. We are made in God’s image!