Goodbyes

“You’ve just been erased.”
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger, Eraser

I could write a memoir of past goodbyes – not all of them spoken or written.

Often, friends and loves slowly faded away, as if walking towards the sunset, maybe turning around a few times to wave hello or goodbye, but continuing their journey to somewhere else. An almost imperceptible withering of connection, incrementally turning down the volume day by day, until there was absolute silence – a switching off – leaving very little behind of themselves, other than my already eroding memories.

There were unanticipated exits as well. Sudden departures due to a change in circumstances. No warning, other than the terminal, loud bang to my heart, as if the door were slammed from behind, shutting me out in an instant, the weight of our previous years mounting no defense against change.

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Breaking yourself

“I once loved someone so much that I tried to fix them while they were breaking me.”
~ Unknown author

Was this an authentic expression of your love for someone? Or were you trying to fix this someone, to better meet your needs and fill that emptiness inside of you? Maybe you broke yourself by attempting the impossible?

It is not your role or privilege to decide whether someone needs fixing. People choose to be who they are being, despite the self-inflicted pain of deprivation it causes you. It is their choice to be a particular kind of someone – without consideration for your opinion or judgment in the matter – until they choose to be someone else. Authentic love is possible when you accept and embrace someone as they choose to be, not as they could be or should be, according to you.

“I can’t help people by damaging myself. In fact, if it’s beginning to destroy me, I can be confident it’s not helping them.“
~ Hugh Prather

You may be able to help someone make a different choice, to become something or someone else, but only “if” they invite your assistance. Do not break “yourself” by relentlessly pursuing change where change is uninvited and unavailable to you.

Nobody will authentically change to accommodate your neediness to feel more loved. The only real change will be your diminished feelings of self-worth, the humiliating side effect of trying to change what does not want to be changed.

Lust

Lust is God’s cohort, AKA the trickster: the ever present two-headed serpent, tempting us onto the path of somewhere, a convoluted journey to nowhere. They are the straw that stirs the drink, the manipulators of divisive consequence, the mistress and master of crashed endings and slippery beginnings, Ms. Femme Fatale and Mr. Homme Fatale incarnated.

A man never forgets

If a man forgets a once loved woman, then he never really loved her. Authentic love leaves enduring footprints on a man’s heart and mind, where nothing is left unchanged for him, including the meaning of life itself.

Negotiating love

We are unconditionally loved as children, and so saying “NO” doesn’t get us kicked to the curb – not often anyway. But love, or anything else, becomes a negotiation in adulthood, so saying “NO” better be balanced with an enticing “YES” to something.