You’ve been out of work for a while, unemployed because of layoffs. Your wife is getting on your last nerve, pressuring you to do something productive, maybe fix the broken slats in the fence, or set up the vegetable garden she’s been asking for since Desert Storm…anything that shows a bit of initiative, maybe impressing the neighbors. You know, keeping up with the Joneses thing.
So, she finds this prefab gazebo at the home improvement store; excited by the sales pitch of a quick and easy install, she says, “Even you can do this, hon! The sales guy said it is a very quick and easy assembly.” Despite being a thinking kind of man, rather than a hands-on, can build anything kind of guy, like every husband on your block, you go ahead and purchase the gazebo.
After assembling the gazebo, you notice an extra screw in the plastic bag that held the other screws. You check and recheck the assembly directions and screw holes several times. Nothing seems to be amiss. Every screw is screwed into a screw hole, except for this extra screw.
What is with the extra screw? you think to yourself.
If there were a missing screw, then the matter would be clear, which is that the manufacturer screwed up the packaging. However, according to the documentation, and your checking and rechecking, all other screws and their associated screw holes are accounted for, so what’s up with the extra screw?
Using deductive reasoning, you ponder possible explanations, including:
1) The gazebo assembly package comes with an undocumented spare screw, this being the common practice of manufacturers.
2) The manufacturer forgot to update the documentation after deciding to include a spare screw.
3) The manufacturer inserted the wrong documentation into your assembly package, thus being mismatched with your specific gazebo model.
4) The manufacturer miscalculated and overproduced an unknown quantity of surplus screws, one of them finding its way into your assembly package.
To research the above, you google the gazebo brand and model number, finding a support forum for your specific gazebo product. You type screw, screws, and then extra screw in the search box, but receive zero results. You then proceed to register for the forum and post an inquiry, as to whether anyone else has come across an extra, undocumented screw in their assembly package.
Here are a couple of responses:
“Hey man, don’t worry about it. Keep the screw, in case you need it for something else. You know the saying, If the screw fits? he he he”
“No, never found any extras in my package. Here is my advice: Take a pic of the screw next to the package it came in, and print a copy of your forum posting. That way, if the gazebo falls on your head because of a missing hole for the undocumented screw, you can sue for a big chunk of change! I say, screw them!”
The search for a simple answer turns up nothing but frivolous forum banter such as the above, which quickly leaks into social media, going viral on all the social media platforms. Your anxiety over an orphan screw has transformed into a series of funny memes, cartoon parodies, laugh out loud quotes from your forum posting, and naughty puns about screws. A Freudian joke group suggests that your screw fixation represents a symbolic form of castration anxiety! And on it goes, your inquiry twisted into several hours of social media entertainment.
Finally, after a night of humiliation, you delete your forum post and temporarily deactivate your social media accounts, until the ruckus dies down. The next morning, you try calling the toll-free support number listed on the assembly directions, but after wading through twenty prompts that lead to nothing but more prompts, you are thanked for your patience and disconnected.
You are on your own!
And so now your mind wanders back to the problem at hand: What to do about the extra screw?
You ponder the following options:
1) Leave the gazebo as is, and hope to God that it doesn’t fall on anyone’s head.
2) Disassemble the gazebo, repack it, and return it to the manufacturer to recoup your money and sanity. Too much work.
3) Write a letter to the manufacturer, including all apparently relevant serial numbers and product codes listed on the boxes and instructions, and send one copy to the PO Box number listed on the original packaging, a second copy to the address listed on the sheet of assembly instructions, and a third copy to the address you came across on the company forum.
After a night of rumination and deliberation over your options, you arrive at a fourth option, which like most decisions you’ve made takes the middle path, rather than making a dramatic move of any kind. And so you go with #4, purchasing a roll of yellow hazard tape, surrounding the gazebo in this tape, thus barricading family and friends from sitting inside the potentially unstable gazebo while you await a response to your letter, to be mailed immediately to three addresses.
So, the entire summer passes by, without a response from any of the three addresses. Despite this, you take good care of the gazebo: weeding around it, frequently inspecting the other screws—in case they’ve unscrewed themselves—even waterproofing the gazebo and giving it a new coat of white paint. However, by this time, your wife has reached her boiling point, mortified by your behavior and too often fielding questions from friends and neighbors, as to why you’ve banned access to the gazebo for so long.
Fast forward, a year later, you discover that your wife is having an affair with Bob, the neighbor whose backyard abuts your backyard, and who is a skilled craftsman, having built—with his own hands—a second floor to his home and a swing set and luxury treehouse for his kids. And so that is the end of your marriage and gazebo, which you take apart and dispose of at the local junkyard.
You return home from the junkyard and find a brief letter from the gazebo manufacturer’s customer support department.
Dear Sir,
We’ve researched the matter of the extra screw. You are correct that the extra screw does not belong in your assembly package. Please be assured that your gazebo is secure, on condition that you assembled it correctly according to the documentation.
As it turns out, the extra screw belonged to another customer’s assembly package where it was missing. Our apologies for the mix-up.
Best regards,
Customer support
© 2025 David M. Rubin. All rights reserved.
Notes from David 