“Do not fear facing people without your pants; the world is dirtier than your underwear.”
~ M.F. Moonzajer
Attention shoppers!
Please strip down to your undergarments prior to entering the shopping area. Place articles of clothing inside the ziplock bag that was overnighted to you. Your first and last name, or a barcode, must appear on the attached label. If the label is missing from the bag, face the door camera and hold the bag in front of you. Wait for further instructions. Otherwise, seal/zip the bag and drop it down the chute attached to the blue bin on your right.
You will be escorted into the shopping area by a Hazmat bot after your bag is processed and your reservation is ready. A sterilized oxygen mask will be provided and fitted to you upon entrance.
Note: If you did not receive a bag, please visit the holding area on the east side of the building. Be sure to bring your “24/7 health status card,” which should have been updated no later than yesterday. If expired, you may visit our Testing & Status update facility located on Lakeview boulevard.
Decontamination/Exit procedures:
In accordance with statute PAN2026-12B, your articles of clothing will be chemically decontaminated, steam cleaned to a temperature of 212°F (100°C), ironed, and returned to you in a vacuum sealed bag upon exiting the shopping area. A sanitizing body wipe and new set of undergarments will be provided to you as well. Old undergarments may be disposed of in the red dumpster located at the west end of the building.
For your convenience, five dressing cubicles are located at the far end of our parking lot. If fully occupied, fee based cubicles are available on the public commons near Willow street. Contact the “Public Affairs” department for reservations, fees, required documentation, and transportation.
Safety tips:
1) Upon exiting the shopping area, remove old undergarments and seal within another ziplock bag. This isolates any cross contamination acquired while shopping.
2) Prior to entering a cubicle, dispose of your old undergarments in the red dumpster. If there is a wait, keep distances of six feet between you and others waiting in line. Drive-thru disposal is not available at this time. We apologize for any inconvenience and awkwardness.
3) Do not open the bags containing your new undergarments and disinfected clothing until after you’ve entered a cubicle and sanitized yourself.
Warning: Voyeurism, excessive staring, or taking photographs anywhere on our premises is strictly prohibited. Respect the privacy and dignity of your fellow shoppers. Violators will be permanently banned from our store. We have a zero tolerance policy!
Happy shopping!
Management
The above composition is entirely fictional. The situation and scenario depicted here is the product of my imagination. Any similarities between my composition and any situation in the real world is purely coincidental and unintentional.
© 2020 David M. Rubin. All rights reserved.
Notes from David 